There is nothing heroic about crawling around my house on my hands and knees trying to get up at 5:15 AM Thursday morning … life & death issues become swallowed by loss of physical and mental abilities from chemotherapy … “Madness??? This is Lung Cancer”
Nietzsche was sooooo wrong … what doesn’t kill you does not make you stronger it leaves you wounded and sucking hope out of you before dawn breaks.
“NO food or drink for 4 hours before CT Scan” only added to stress as 5:30 AM was the cut off and I was still crawling unable to get up with 15 minutes to go.
Arriving at 9 AM I am given a 16 oz cup and asked to drink it over the next hour … an hour? … now this is “Madness” ! … I could down the whole damn thing in a gulp I am so thirsty! …
Chemo has so kicked my ass that I needed physical assistance getting on and off the CT table this has never happened before in my life … decades of helping Patti to struggle to get on and off exam and scan tables as her MS symptoms progressed ... flashed as harbingers of the increasing probability of a life of dependency for me.
CT was the most thorough of my life including neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis with and without contrast and of course an hour of super juice. … On the last pass the IV pulled out creating quite the macho bloody Hollywood moment … madness? … no cool! … replaced we finished successfully on the next pass … macho moment faded to embarrassment as I required help to get down.
For the layperson’s interpretation of all the below medical speak read “Two out of three ain’t bad” … if you are interested in the medical minutiae then click and read the report
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Patrick Leer
Health Activist:
Caregivingly Yours, MS Caregiver @ http://caregivinglyyours.blogspot.com/
My Lung Cancer Odyssey @ http://lung-cancer-survivor.blogspot.com/
Patrick - this all looks like things are moving in a positive direction. Our thoughts and prayers continue with you (and family) for the next part of the journey. Cute cat!
ReplyDeleteSteveS
thanks Steve ... I just wish I could find the energy to keep charging with out flip flopping some days ... thanks for reminding me of our cat ... maybe I can write off pet care for "Stardust" as therapy? :)
DeleteHang in there, Patrick!! Even though you are feeling helpless at times, you are right on track! How else can you feel? You are doing as well as you can. I dare say, I think those wonderful people at the testing sites have seen it all!! However, it is so easy to become discouraged. Stay active as possible!
ReplyDeleteI gotta say, kudos to you for even attempting paperwork!! I remember not wanting to look at any of that stuff and put it into piles, "Who cares?", "Seriously? I can't believe they sent this!", and then, there was the, "Where is a match?" pile. (I think eventually, it all ended up in the 'match' pile! HA)
Praying for a cure,
Jackie
thank Jackie ! 25 years of MS Caregiving has both taught me the critical nature of paperwork and also scares the hell out of me with increasing probability of a life of dependency for me. ... chemo is becoming one of those no win choices if successful a life of dependency if not well ....
DeleteI know. It scares me too. A lot.I've always been very independent. It's the one thing that scares me more than anything.
DeleteJackie
Jackie I try to use the analogy between a death sentence vs life in imprisonment with medical professionals but too few get it much less their patients
DeleteYou are one strong person, always have been. I hate that you're getting kicked in the butt like this. That chemo does suck energy right out of you. Keep hanging in there, hopefully you have reached the peak of the mountain and the rest will be a easy slide down the other side.
ReplyDeletethank you Julie for the encourage as I begin round three in just a hour ... I pray it will be downhill on the side effects
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