when caregivers get sick - lung cancer

"Talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.” Mark Twain

Like Twain’s spurious poet, I was guilty of dully sharing the statistics of risk in long term caregiving.  Yes, the stress diminishes my immune system and increases my chances of cancer and chronic illness. Yes, my life expectancy will be shorter and my mortality rate higher. After all I have been a spouse caregiver for over 22 years.

No longer am I a dull poet of the risks in long term caregiving -  three days before Christmas a chest X-ray revealed a ‘nodular density’ in my left lung.

Actually I was driving with Patti when my cell phone rang. Pulling over I tried to juggle a life altering conversation while avoiding alerting much less alarming Patti. Shamefully I was grateful for Patti’s Multiple Sclerosis short term memory loss. Caregiving never really gives you even a moment to focus on yourself.

At this point, sometimes a story is best told by taking a brief peak at the last chapter first …

St. Patrick’s Day morning I was discharged from the hospital three days after successful surgery for lung cancer. Now home recovering it’s time to share because ‘my story’ is now part of ‘our story’.

Back to Dec 22 between holiday schedules and the methodical plodding of medical testing it would be 27 days before I got to sit down and talk with a medical professional.

That ‘vague nodular density’ on an X-ray begat an 8mm ‘spiculated nodule’ on a CAT scan which begat an 8mm ‘irregular nodule, with an SUV max of less than 2.0’ on a PET scan. 

Feeling abandoned by the medical profession, the Grim Reaper moved into my head and became my new BFF. Of course I couldn’t sleep and the Reaper and I spent the holidays and the month of January surfing the Internet with my copies of each test and radiologist’s impressions trying to determine how long I had to live.

Simultaneously, I could not comprise on caregiving for Patti. Concealing everything from everyone, I stole only the moments to pause and treasure each ‘last’ Christmas, ‘last New Years’, etc.

I began living two lives.

________________

(to be continued … since its inception Caregivingly Yours entries have courteously not exceeded 350 words)

Patrick Leer

BLOGS:

Caregivingly Yours, MS Caregiver @ http://caregivinglyyours.blogspot.com/

Lung Cancer Odyssey @ http://lung-cancer-survivor.blogspot.com/

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